Tag: Little Love

Memories

On By JesseIn Life, Sunshine3 Comments

My sweet Sunshine, you are currently rifling through a box full of spices in the kitchen, tasting some containers before dropping them at your feet, while others are tossed over your shoulder without so much as a cursory glance.  I’m not certain of your criteria, but you do seem to have a system.  I love to watch you explore–touching and tasting absolutely everything–cataloguing your environment with the precision and care of a scientist.

I folded and put away most of your nine month footies today because the necklines are beginning to stretch and your tiny toes are pressing uncomfortably against the feet.  It hurts every time–putting away bits of the present that somehow, without my noticing right away, became the past.  It is so strange that these moments which are molding and redefining me as a person and a mother, you will not remember.

You will not remember how I shrieked with joy when you took your first, wobbly steps or how I cried in relief and squeezed you tight after fishing that wad of drool-soaked paper out of your mouth.  You will not remember crawling around the yard, picking dandelions and trying to eat pebbles under my watchful eye.  You will not remember dancing in front of the oven door, giggling at your reflection.  You will not remember the way you turn diaper changes into the baby version of a greased pig contest.  You will not remember throwing all the spices out of the box.  And you will not remember your silly mama, sitting at the kitchen table, crying while she writes you love letters from your babyhood.

And oh how I love you, my baby.  Though our time together this way is short, one day, in the not so distant future, we’ll be making memories you can keep.  Until then, I will continue writing (and crying) you a path back through the years to the curious, determined, and much-loved baby you are so that while you may not remember, you can at least have a glimpse of your sweet, small self through your mama’s eyes.

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Tiny Stranger

On By JesseIn Life, SunshineLeave a comment

She wears purple and ocean colors–my favorites.  She goes on long walks with me and we visit the alpacas at the end of the lane, the coyotes and elk in the field, and the neighborhood horses.  She loves milk and staring at ceiling fans but intensely dislikes being swaddled and chirps like a little bird when she’s first waking up.  Beyond these things . . . well, I know very little.

She is our tiny stranger–depending upon us for her every need while at the same time confidently demanding food, snuggles, and entertainment.  I soak in her baby smiles and sleepy chirps knowing she will continue to change at a pace I’d heard about, but only came to understand in the two months, four pounds, and four inches since her sunny, Sunday arrival in July.

It is strange to think that I’ve been with her every moment of her existence yet hardly know her at all, and it is both lovely and bizarre to realize I won’t for years to come.
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Flying with a Newborn: A Comprehensive List : )

On By JesseIn Life1 Comment

I don’t know about all new moms, so I’ll just speak for myself, but the day my little girl was born is the day I became a high-functioning agoraphobic.  I will never forget standing up from the wheelchair after handing her up to Carl and watching him buckle her into her car seat, then clip the car seat into its base.  She looked so incredibly small and fragile and I couldn’t stand to let her out of my sight, so I sat in the backseat where I could monitor every sound and breath.

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Then, when we arrived home and got her settled into the house, I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking “Excellent!  Now let’s never leave here again.”

Buuuuut apparently, life happens and, at some point, for instance two days later, you’ll at least have to go to a doc appointment.  I was a wreck when we had to venture out that second time, even worse than coming home from the hospital.  I criticized every little thing about my husband’s driving: he was going too fast, he surely couldn’t see the car braking in front of us, he was turning too sharply, etc.  I sat next to her in the back and tucked two fingers under her harness so I could feel her breathe.  I didn’t even recognize myself.  I’ve never felt so intensely worried at a time when absolutely nothing was going wrong in my entire life.

Which is why I’m not even sure what made me think I could do it (looking back, I don’t think I thought it through at all, to be honest) but when our girl was born nearly two weeks late, we had only about two weeks together as a brand new family, complete with lots of visits and interruptions, before my husband had to take off for the east coast and start his new career.  The week before he started his new job, we realized we simply had not had enough time just being together, the three of us.  So we bought a plane ticket for the baby and I to follow him a week after left.

I didn’t really start to panic until a few days before we were scheduled to fly.  But, just as it was hitting me like a ton of bricks, I got a phone call.  It was my Identical Cousin offering to fly from where she was on business to Idaho for the sole purpose of accompanying the baby and I on our cross country trek.  This brings me to the first item on my list of things to bring if you’re crazy enough to fly with a newborn.

  1. A Good Friend

    Now, it’s important that you don’t bring just any good friend.  Make sure you bring a friend who will provide more than a pair of helpful hands, good conversation, and support for whatever random situations arise.  I recommend bringing a friend who can take a screaming infant in stride, find humor in just about any scenario,  and not only won’t judge you for wanting a beer before you board, but will also order it, pay for it, and squeeze the lime for you because your hands are full.  Bring a friend who orders you food even though when they asked if you were hungry, the baby was crying and you were heading for a  bathroom and said you were fine.  Bring a friend who doesn’t care when/where you need to breastfeed (if you’re breastfeeding) and who has creative ideas to help avert disaster.  Bring a friend who’s in it for the long haul and doesn’t get cranky even after seven hours in the air and a four hour delay resulting in an arrival time of 4a.m.  And finally, bring a friend who can take a potentially terrifying, stressful, physically demanding, insane journey and turn it into a fun, hilarious, adventure full of great memories, pictures, and lessons learned.  I’m lucky to have someone who not only fits the above description to a T, she also volunteered.  : )
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  2. Car Seat/Stroller

    Both of these items can be checked at the gate if you plan to use them before boarding or during your layover (you’ll want to specify at the gate if you want them for your layover or they won’t be available until you reach your final destination.  I didn’t bring a stroller and had no regrets because our baby is so small, she’s relatively easy to lug around and it didn’t seem worth the trouble for me.  The car seat, on the other hand, is essential because you will need it to take your baby wherever you want to go after the airport.  In our case, my husband bought a separate base for his car so I just brought the car seat itself.  We gate checked it on the way over, but if you have no reason to use it in between, I recommend checking it with your baggage.  It doesn’t count as one of your bags and this way you don’t have to carry it any further than is absolutely necessary–they’re heavy!

  3. The Diaper Bag (back pack style is my preference)

    I brought all the little things I always keep in there (i.e. diapers, wipes, diaper cream, thermometer, snot sucker, muslin baby blanket, burp cloth, gas relief drops, emery board extra baby clothes, a few mini garbage bags, lanolin (for me! ; ), and a little, fold up mat for changing her on random surfaces.  My diaper bag came with one, but if yours didn’t, no worries, a little blanket will do or they even sell little mats that will absorb but not leak.

  4. Baby Carrier

    This is the reason I prefer the back pack style diaper bag for traveling. I wore the baby on my front in her carrier and the diaper bag on my back.  This way, I had my hands free in between flights, I could wear her into the restroom when necessary (when I flew alone), and she sleeps like a dream every time I put her in it.

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  5. Changes of Clothing for Yourself

    I don’t know about you, but after experiencing one, simultaneous vomit and blowout, situation, both of which ending up all over me, I now bring a change of clothes with me EVERYWHERE.  For this trip, we put our lightest shirts and yoga pants so they would take up minimal space in the diaper bag and be as lightweight as possible.  If you are nursing, you’ll want to include an extra nursing bra as well.  I picked a padded, nighttime for my extra so I could just roll it up and stuff it in.  : )

  6. Diaper Packs

    The diaper packs were my cousin’s genius invention!  They consist of one, mini garbage bag with a small ziplock bag containing 5 wipes, one diaper, and one large ziplock bag.  We made up five and set them on top of everything else in the diaper bag so if my daughter had a situation on the plane, I could just grab a diaper pack and head to the bathroom without having to dig around.  Also, once there, I could change her, put everything dirty in the garbage bag and toss it, but save her outfit in the large ziplock to seal in smell and wash when we got home.  The packs are not only great for airplanes, they’re great for roadtrips, hikes, and any other situation where you may not have immediate access to facilities. For the return trip, I added two, head to toe, baby cleansing cloths so that if she did throw up on me/herself, I could wipe us down before putting on clean clothes.

  7. Food

    On the way over, I had my cousin and she made sure that I was able to eat by grabbing us both food during our layover.  On the way back, I was alone but knowing it would be an all day trip and my newborn may not want to stand in line, wait for me to order, then cooperate while I ate, I decided to pack my lunch for the return flight.  My personal opinion here is to spoil yourself.  I packed a BLT that was LOADED with thick cut bacon because bacon makes me happy no matter what else is going on in my life.  I also packed a banana, goldfish crackers, a couple granola bars, a little bag of fresh blueberries, and a chocolate bar.  Make sure it’s something of substance, not just junk, you’ll need all your energy!  One other note about food, I packed it in the front of my diaper bag for easy access, but taking it one step further, when I boarded, I actually got my food out and put it in the seat back in front of me where I could reach it without disturbing my baby if she was sleeping and I could get it/open it/consume it using only one hand.  : )

  8. Boppy Pillow/Regular Pillow

    I know this seems like an annoying to carry around, useless addition.  I wasn’t planning on bringing it, but my cousin suggested that I go ahead and since she was going to be with me, I figured no harm as she could carry it.  That said, I ended up bringing it with me on the return flight as well despite being on my own because it was totally worth carrying it around!  About thirty minutes into the flight, my arms would have fallen off if I hadn’t had that pillow to lay her in/on in such a way that she could sleep comfortably without me having to hold her up.  I also used it to change her in our seat (do NOT use the tray table to change your baby, people eat off those!!!!) and I used it to safely lay her in the seat next to me when it was time to deplane so I could gather up my stuff before returning her to the carrier.  SO HANDY!
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  9. Odds and Ends

    I haven’t found gas relief drops very useful when I tried them in the heat of a gas related scream-fest.  However, when I gave our daughter a small dose after each feeding on the day we flew, I found that she had no gas trouble AT ALL.

    In order to stay hydrated but avoid having to pee while in the air, I drank as much water as I could the day of my flight but stopped liquids altogether about two hours before take off.  Then, during the flight, I got water from the flight attendants when they came around. It worked for me, I didn’t get dehydrated, but I also didn’t have to use the restroom during our 5 hour flight.  It wouldn’t have been impossible while flying alone, I’ve worn my baby in the restroom before, but the dimensions of an airplane bathroom were just not something I wanted to deal with.  ; )

    There are nurseries in airports where you can feed your baby, but they do not include a restroom.  There are handicap/family restrooms that have a large counter top-like surface with a safety bar where you can change your baby but they have nowhere to sit, other than the toilet for nursing.  And then there’s always the regular restroom, but I avoided it like the plague.  : )

    I bought a few books on my phone to stay entertained when flying by myself.  With my cousin, it was much more fun because I had someone to talk to the whole way.  : )

    We were not at all prepared, but when checking in for our very first flight, they required age verification.  We didn’t think we would need to prove that she was under two years of age because, well, at less than four weeks, we thought it was rather obvious.  However, they did, in fact, require us to provide proof of her birth date.  Thankfully, Southwest was flexible and allowed us to show them a screen shot of her online medical records showing her birth date.  So it might be a good idea to either bring a copy of your baby’s birth certificate or some other form of age verification.

  10. Take off and Landing

    I nursed as we took off and began to descend which seemed to eliminate any ear pressure issues (pacifiers/bottle feeding would serve the same purpose), but I only did that when she was awake.  Twice, we took off while she was sleeping and I let her sleep which did not seem to cause her any additional issues when she woke up.

  11. Upon Arrival

    For both trips, I asked that the people meeting me park and come in to help with juggling bags, car seats, etc.  Also, both trips, when we finally arrived, the baby was hungry and tired so I took her to the car and fed her while family grabbed our luggage.  Lastly, prepare for a a few days to a couple weeks worth of fussy, out of sorts baby if you have a full day of flying and change time zones.  Our sweet girl, who is such a happy little thing, had a terrible few days of crying, trouble sleeping, fussy eating, etc when we arrived.
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Just remember it’s a grand adventure!  And if things go awry, take a good look around and you’ll see that most people aren’t angry that your baby is crying or that you take a bit longer to get settled in your seat, etc.  Most people have either been there or know and love someone else who has and what they’re really thinking is that they remember those days or that you’re a rock star for hanging onto your sanity through this wild trip.  You’ll be amazed at how many people offer a helping hand or kind look as go about your business.  So have fun and make great memories to share with your own sweet one when they grow up.  : )
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Fear and Love

On By JesseIn Life, Prose, Thoughts1 Comment

My daughter is now eight weeks and three days old and, miraculously, alive, well, and thriving.  I say miraculously in the truest sense of the word.  I am awestruck at her growth and progress.  From the moment she was born, two emotions stood out head and shoulders (if indeed emotions had heads and shoulders) beyond the rest: love and fear.

The love is not really love the way I usually mean it, but since this is English and I have so few words for love to work with, I’ll try to describe it better.  I can hear her breathing change in my sleep. Her cries are like words to me now, and each new sound is carefully considered until it’s meaning can be discerned.  Every time she smiles my heart hurts. Every time someone else holds her, I become a bear-hawk–watching closely with eyes sharper than my pre-mama eyes, ready to unleash a superhuman degree of hurt or just take her back should things start going south. And I love her with the usual kind of love, too.  ; )

The fear is intense, often unreasonable, and it never goes away.  It can roar to the forefront at a moment’s notice or hum at the back of my mind but it is always present, soul deep, and seemingly impossible to shake.  I’ve been afraid many times in my life before, really afraid, but none of that fear even touches this feeling.  I believe it to be the source of my new-found superhuman awareness of my tiny human.  All of that said, it is just like any other fear in the sense that the only way to live with it is to confront it head on.

In our case, due to our demented plan to live apart for three months starting two and half weeks after our baby was born, I ended up having to face the biggest boatload of fear I’ve ever confronted in my life just four weeks in to new motherhood.

My husband started his new job on the East Coast and we knew we couldn’t do three whole months apart while he worked and I finished packing our things up.  The only option was for the baby and I to fly across the country and join him for a time.  So we did.

At two months, our little girl had already flown across the country twice, traveled through Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and New York, and lived out of hotels for nearly three weeks.  I was terrified every minute, but every minute also added to my confidence in my ability to care for her under just about any circumstances. At this point, I can safely say there’s nowhere we can’t go together.  : )

As my mother promised it would, having a baby has changed my life forever.  There are already parts of my life and self before that I miss, but I miss them the same way I miss anything I enjoyed that has come to its natural conclusion.  My daughter has opened a new chapter which means closing the one before, just like going to college, moving out, and getting married each held endings as well as beginnings.

Since the morning she was born (an early riser, like me : ), I’ve found the love to be so much bigger and more than the fear. Every time we step into new territory (a near daily occurrence!), our bond becomes stronger, our confidence grows, and I find another mom or dad or sympathetic stranger to share a knowing smile or nod, offer a helping hand, and generally remind me I’m not alone in this wild adventure.

My life has been touched by an angel (who will no doubt grow into a hellion!) and I’m glad.  : )

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The Night you Were Born

On By JesseIn Life, Writing1 Comment

From the first contraction, I knew that night would be different.

I gathered my things, and left myself to meet you.

They said it could take a long time, but we both ignored them and focused on the distance between life and whatever comes before it that we all forget once we’ve left.

You were in between worlds, a place I never knew existed, yet somehow found with ease.

He couldn’t come along, but steadfast and silent, watched over us every step.

As the hours passed, I became the ocean–crashing waves rolling one into the next, and you, my little moon–pulling and pushing tides–guiding me to you, so I could guide you home.

There was a crescendo–a swelling of sound, a bending of space and time . . .

And then you were born–hot, purple, crying.

And a new part of me was born, too–fierce, tender, an unhealing wound.

We just held each other for the longest time because it was frightening and it hurt but we had made it together.

The rest of the day I wasn’t hungry, I couldn’t care about the aches or feel the exhaustion–I could only stare in awe of you.

And that, my little love, was how it went on the night you were born.  The very first of many wonderful, strange, and wild adventures to come.
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Where to Begin?

On By JesseIn Life, Thoughts1 Comment

I truly have no idea where to begin writing about birth and new motherhood.  Words don’t seem big enough.  This little list is my warm up.  : )

Someone wonderful (I don’t know who, there was no note!) sent me a beautiful necklace with a pendant that has the word “Mother” engraved in several different languages on it.  I burst into tears when I realized what it said. Until that moment, I hadn’t actually thought of myself as a mother.

I can’t always sleep when she sleeps because I love to watch her sleeping.

My belly button is back!  I missed my belly button.  : )

Watching my husband love and care for her is even more sweetly beautiful (and sometimes hilarious) than I imagined it would be.

Oddly, while I never had a single craving throughout my entire pregnancy, the day she was born I started needing almond/toffee Symphony bars as if my life depended on them.  So strange and it hasn’t gone away yet! I’m just saying, there may or may not be three, king size Symphony bars in our refrigerator right now.

She is delightful and exhausting and I have never felt so much so fiercely.

And I think she may take issue with my morning breath . . .
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My Sweet Miss Baby

On By JesseIn LifeLeave a comment

According to medicine, you are three days late.  Some say you’re being stubborn, but I confess I feel proud that you’re already bucking the expectations of the establishment and you haven’t even left the womb!  Don’t let the man tell you when to be born, you tell the man!

Looking at it from your perspective, I doubt you’re any more eager to experience birth than I am.  I mean, even an infant can see that the physics involved are not in either of our favors.

I say to myself I won’t miss these aching hips but something tells me that one day I’ll look back and remember the feeling of your tiny feet against my ribs with a pang of sadness that we’ll never again be as we are now.

As you near the end of your journey into this world, I carry our two souls together knowing it will only be for a precious little longer.  This can be a sad and scary place, but there is so much to love, I’ve always found even the hardest times to be worth it.

Whenever you decide it’s time, your dad and I are here to welcome you with open arms, five furry siblings, and a very small pair of cowgirl boots.  : )

Roommates: Miss Baby

On By JesseIn Life, Short Stories, WritingLeave a comment

No doubt about it, things were getting tight. She stretched her arms and legs as far as she could, just to check again, and sure enough, the soft, seemingly flexible walls of her living space were decidedly less flexible than they had been the week before.  It was happening so slowly, she almost hadn’t noticed, but lately, it had become clear–this room, which had started out quite comfortable, was shrinking.

It was a desperate situation really.  She wasn’t exactly sure how she’d gotten here and therefore, wasn’t exactly sure how to go about going somewhere else . . . There were others nearby, but none she felt comfortable asking.  For some reason, they didn’t seem to like her.  They were always scooting out of her way, mumbling and grumbling.  She apologized often, but that didn’t seem to help anymore.  Another hint the room was shrinking, she couldn’t move a hand or foot these days without bumping into Bladder or Diaphram or some other random, grumpy neighbor.

Something soft brushed her toe, interrupting her thoughts, and she kicked out, “HIYA!” Then everything constricted suddenly, as it sometimes did.  She pressed out against the walls, hoping to get away from whatever it was, but there was nowhere to go . . . finally, she looked and realized it was just Bladder again.  “Oops, sorry!” She said, but only received a pained groan in response.  Sigh.  Typical.

One way or another, she was going to HAVE to find a way out of here . . .

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Roommates: Meeting One

On By JesseIn Life, Short StoriesLeave a comment

“Hello everyone and thank you all for coming.”

“Uhhmm, Bladder, why are you whispering?”

“SHHHH, Stomach!! It’s sleeping now and I don’t want it waking up until we’re done talking.  I didn’t invite Baby to this roommates meeting.”

“Oooohhhhh.”

“Yeah.  Look, I called this meeting to see if I’m the only one whose getting worried about the new roommate.  I mean, at first I thought Baby was pretty cool; it was so quiet and took up hardly any room at all.”

Around the small room, organs nodded their assent.

“Then, the other day, I woke up feeling like I was going to burst, opened my eyes, and baby was LITERALLY using me as a pillow!”

“Ya know, now that I think about, Baby’s foot has gotten caught on me three times just in the last week.  I mean, it’s always polite, all “excuse me” and “so sorry!” but that never happened when Baby first moved in.” Ribs chimed in all together.

“I’ve been getting a little nervous, myself.” Whispered stomach.  “I didn’t really want to say anything because I wasn’t completely sure it was Baby’s fault, but honestly, since just a couple of weeks after it moved in, I’ve felt positively awful.  It got better a few weeks ago, but still, I used to work with whatever came down about three or so times a day, now, if there isn’t enough there, I can’t control it, I just start kicking bile back up.  I’m not sure if I’m crazy or broken or what, but I just know it started soon after Baby moved in.”

“Well, that does it.” Bladder stated quietly.  “I don’t want to be hasty; Baby’s awfully sweet, but it sounds like we all have concerns.  I vote that we meet again in a month or so for a another check-in.  If things don’t get better in a few months, we may just have to ask Baby to leave.”

Everyone present nodded somberly and tried to move back into their normal positions, but there just wasn’t room, so they squeezed in as close to where they used to go as they could.  And just in time, too!  With a whoosh, a tiny hand flew out, smacking belly button in the back.  Belly Button let out a surprised yelp and Baby promptly held up the same hand in a gesture of apology. “So sorry!  Pardon me, Belly Button, I’m afraid I woke up with a start.” Baby said with an easy smile.

To be continued . . .
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The Early, Silent Hours

On By JesseIn LifeLeave a comment

It’s the early, silent hours I love best.  Sipping my coffee, watching the sun rise, and feeling you thump around in my belly, hopefully without a care, as you knit yourself together from stardust and whatever I’ve been eating lately (mostly fruit and baked potatoes).  I imagine that when you feel finished and decide to arrive, the mornings will only get earlier and less silent, but for now, it’s the most lovely part of my day.  The part where I get to wonder about you without interruptions and can let go of all the fear and anxiety that I’m somehow doing this wrong even though we’ve just gotten started.

What I already feel for you reminds me so much of what I feel for your father.  I want to give you perfection, but all I have is myself. You should know this now, I have made and continue to make a lot of mistakes. I’m confident that your entry into our lives will only provide me with a wealth of new opportunities to be awkward and generally make a mess of things.  That said, I love to have fun, I’m a big fan of compromise, and I’m an expert at letting go (your dad is still working with me on how to hold on), which often works wonders when mistakes are made.

Your father is a riot.  You’re going to love the crazy things he can do with his face, the ridiculous repertoire of noises he can make (the dolphin being one of my personal faves).  And he has no idea how to hold babies, change diapers, etc, so you and I will share a lot of laughs in the early years while he fumbles around.

Well, little love, speaking of your father, the sun is up and it’s time for us to get started on the day.  I say we kick it off right and go jump on the bed right by Daddy’s face while singing Rise and Shine at the tops of our lungs.  He loves that.  ; )
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