My Mama Bear

Today is my very first Mother’s Day.  My loves have run to the store while I laze about in pajamas drinking coffee and writing on our couch (Yes! Our couch is in the house!!  But that’s a post for another day).  In other words, I think Mother’s Day is a day I’m going to like.  I had planned to write about how much I love being a mother, but all the words swirling around in my soul at present moment are about my own mama, so here goes.

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(Me eating cookie dough while Mama Bear is attempting to make actual cookies)

I have always loved you, mama.  Yes, even that time I called you a butthole (mere moments before dad put a bar of soap in my mouth) for grounding me when I was sure it was completely the brothers’ fault.  Yes, even when you used to use the Vulcan death pinch on my shoulder to get me to leave church quietly when I was misbehaving.  And yes, even that time in high school when you told me you believed me that I wasn’t doing drugs but I was going to be at the wrong place at the wrong time one day and I was so angry I called a friend and spent twenty minutes reciting everything I didn’t like about you, not knowing you could hear.  Only to be picked up by the police two weeks later.  At least I really wasn’t lying about the drugs, right?

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And I have never doubted your love for me.  After all, I remember you singing songs with me in the car while we went to the hot springs and everyone else was at school and work.   I remember your hugs (always and still the best) smelled like your violet perfume when I was growing up.  I remember you cheering me on at basketball games–a sport neither of us particularly understood or cared for.  I remember you taking me to every mall on the I-5 corridor looking for the perfect prom dress and shoes.  I remember you crying when I tried to sing in church a few months after surgery to remove my thyroid cancer and I couldn’t.  I remember you buying me a blanket that felt like my dogs’ fur when I was in radioactive iodine isolation.  I remember declaring I was going on a spirit quest and while everyone else looked at me oddly and said nothing, you sewed me a medicine bag.  I remember too many memories of you showing your love to list them here.

It’s strange to think that no matter how much we love someone or how well we know them, there are always parts and pieces we never get to see.  Having a daughter of my own, has given me new eyes and, with them, I see a facet of you I haven’t before.  You are incredible.  And not just for keeping four, adventuresome but not always wise, children alive into adulthood.

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How you managed to create so much love, fun, and happiness with so little under such difficult conditions over the years is nothing short of magic.  How you did all that while working and going to school, I will never understand.  I already admired your strength.  I already thought you were warm and giving.  I already thought I knew you.  But this one baby has broken my heart with love and fear and when I think of you now, with all of us and all we’ve been through, I am in awe of your warmth, humor, resilience, and grace.

So, on my first Mother’s Day, I want to tell you again that I love you and to tell you again that I thank you for everything because I truly do.  But I also want to tell you, that this year, I see you a little better, I understand a little more about how much of yourself you have given to us, and I am humbled by all you have accomplished and all that you are.  You are a blessing to our family, Mama Bear, Happy Mother’s Day.  : )

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Mac n’ Cheese Manor: The Bat in our Belfrey and other Creatures

And, by belfrey, I mean master bedroom.  While my Mamatu and my niece were visiting, I received a text around 11:30pm (long after we had all gone to bed) from my mother-in- law asking me to send Carl to their room because there was something flying around in there and it sounded big!

Carl and I got up and went to their room, turned on the light and found this little guy:

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Now, I think bats are the most adorable rodents of them all, but even so, I don’t particularly want them flying in my bedroom at night.  Fortunately for all, this little guy was quietly and easily moved outside with the help of an Amazon gift bag and we were all able to go back to sleep without any more excitement.  Our adventures with the local wildlife continue!!!

We also (finally!) trapped this little guy who cleverly ate three spoonfuls of peanut butter from two different live traps without getting caught.  He has been safely relocated many miles from the Manor and will hopefully live a happy and full life not in our attic.  : )

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We’ll keep trapping and moving, but the fact remains that until the house is properly sealed, we will likely continue to running into critters here and there as we go about bringing Mac n’ Cheese Manor back to life.  My favorite part of the bat incident was the picture my talented niece drew the next morning on our whiteboard.  Gram is the one hiding under the covers, my niece is the one sitting up with the blanket over her head and Carl and I are under the bat.  LOL!

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Getting a Life: Five Months In

I always tell myself and Carl that I’m going to get so much done when my sweet Sunshine goes down for her morning nap.  Then, when it actually happens, I find myself at the kitchen table in front of my laptop with my thoughts and the last of the coffee instead.   So here I am. : )

Today is going to be a lovely day.  First on the docket (after quiet cup of morning coffee and writing) is Brew Barn Yoga at Stone Cow!  Living one mile from a local brewery/farm market is turning out to be even more awesome than we already knew it would be.  Next up, we’re going to New Hampshire (less than an hour drive) to pick up an old, wooden high chair we plan to buy.  As long as it’s sturdy enough for my Sunshine to use, it’ll be ours for a fraction of the price of a new one.  Also, it’s legs and tray can be adjusted into a desk and chair.  How cool is that???  Lastly, dishwasher and microwave installation.  Tomorrow will be soon enough to get back to painting and replacing ruined dry wall.

What has me smiling this morning is the realization that I’m finally beginning to get a life.  It may have taken five months, but I admit, I didn’t try very hard while we were living in Shrewsbury because I knew it wasn’t going to last.  Now that we’re where we’re going to be, it’s coming together in the most wonderful way.

Our neighbors are the best!  Two of them grew up in Mac n’ Cheese Manor (it was white then with pretty blue shutters that are in the barn and we’re hoping to put back up someday).  They have helped us with absolutely everything: getting us names and numbers of vets, making recommendations on where to go for the best oil prices and reliable car repair, mowed our lawn, invited us to their homes to meet their families, and stopped by occasionally just to make sure we’re doing okay and don’t need anything.

Other neighbors brought us homemade bread and peach honey, still others brought eggs from their farm, and one gal just pulled over when she saw me and my Sunshine in the yard to tell me she lived up the road and heard I had horses.   Apparently, she has horses, too and a daughter who works at the Co-op who can help me get them settled when they arrive.

Then, of course, there’s the farm/brewery a mile up the road where everyone we’ve met is awesome (including Henny the pig), the beer is delicious, and I’ve met a gal with a little girl not much older than ours who knits and drinks wine with friends.  It is so frightening to leave everyone and everything you know, trekking thousands of miles away to start a new life.  I’ve never felt so alone and cut loose as I felt sitting in that apartment while Carl was at work every day.  Then we moved out to this tiny town and I feel like I blinked and the most beautiful life was dropped in my lap by the kindest strangers who already don’t feel like strangers anymore.  My gratitude for these warm and wonderful people is overflowing.

So, there you have it, I’m finally getting a life, and not just any life, but a good one!  Now I’ve got to sign off so I can go live it.  Happy Saturday!  : )

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We

Some of us have c-sections
and some of us labor.

Some of us do not have epidurals
and some of us do.

Some of us give birth
and some of us become parents in other ways.

Some of us put together nurseries
and some of us make room for our babies in our beds.

Some of us bottle feed and
some of us breast feed.

Some of us sleep train
and some of us are sleep trained.

Some of us go to work to provide
and some of us stay home to provide.

Some of us use cloth diapers
and some of us use disposables.

Some of us make up our minds
only to have them changed by experience.
And some of us make up our minds
only to have them changed by circumstance.

Some of us do a little bit of all these things.
Others across the world do very few.

Yet, even with the varied paths we take,
we are the same–
Bonded across oceans of difference
by our incomparable love
for our children.

Angels

There are many types of angels: guardian angels, messenger angels, archangels . . . and angels who swoop in from Oregon to rescue tired mamas from piles of dishes and laundry, watch over sweet babies while their parents have a few hours alone together for the first time in months, and smite ancient, peeling vinyl from bathrooms as well as molding dry wall from laundry rooms.  I call that angel my Mamatu (AKA Carl’s mom).  : )

For the past week, my Mamatu and my niece have been staying with us for a visit.  I was embarrassed before they arrived because our house is so far from being even remotely guest-worthy and with all the appliance/electrical craziness, I had no dishwasher or working dryer until this past Monday.  And even doing what dishes I could during baby nap-times and hanging clothes on the line to dry, I simply could not get ahead.  On the first day of her visit, she just got up, went into the kitchen and cleaned it.  Completely.  Dishes and all.  Over the next few days she breezed through the laundry, removed the nasty vinyl from the master bath, cut the molding drywall out of the laundry room, sanded and caulked the walls, and continued to do the dishes every day of her visit.

It certainly cannot be considered a vacation!!!!!!  But I am eternally grateful for the desperately needed help.  Now that the basics are caught up, I’ve already done the few dishes in the sink this morning and done meal prep for dinner tonight and the baby has only been sleeping for thirty minutes!  She gave me just the boost I needed to (mostly ; ) stay on top of things.  Along with that, she delighted and entertained her granddaughters every day with walks and silly fun, allowing Carl and I a much-needed date and freeing me up to reorganize our bathroom and clothes, removing the things we aren’t using so that we only have a few boxes to contend with each day instead of the fifteen or so we had been living out of for the past month.

In summary, God bless and keep my amazing Mamatu, who came and vanquished the worst of the chaos.

We all love you so very much and promise that the next visit will be more play and less work!  And thank you for the beautiful angel you made for us, every time I look at her, I think of how gracious you are and how much you’ve done to help us kick start a good, new life.  : )
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Awkward Girl: Makes an Entrance

We had an amazing time at the Science March last week.  It was a last minute decision with no planning involved whatsoever.  We just loaded up a diaper bag and took off!  Which made it doubly amazing because Carl and I have always loved last minute adventures and weren’t exactly sure that part of us would translate well into parenthood.  But, nothing to fear!  The little one did wonderfully well on her first subway ride and seemed to love the crowd and festivities.  : )

While we were there on the Boston Common, we ran into one of Carl’s coworkers who invited us to beers with her and her crew after the event.  Miss Baby was holding up so well, we decided to go for it and followed Jeet’s instructions the designated restaurant/bar.  As we approached, we saw that the entrance was a revolving door . . . and this is when Awkward Girl decided to make an appearance.

The revolving door was a small one, but there was plenty of room for Carl, baby, and I to go through all at once . . . at least there would have been . . . had I not been wearing my backpack diaper bag . . .

Go ahead, read this, then close your eyes so you can really picture it.  There she was, just trucking along right on Carl’s tail through the revolving door until he ran into it in the front (that’s right, this time Awkward Girl drug everyone down with her!) because the backpack got caught between the frame and the revolving door jamming it at the back.  We were all jolted to a sudden halt.  Even better, Awkward Girl didn’t realize she was the cause of the incident for several seconds, and stood there trying to figure out why the door was stuck.  Once we realized what happened, we had to shuffle backwards an inch at a time, all together so Awkward Girl could unstick her backpack and extricate herself from the door completely, thereby allowing Carl and the baby to proceed unhindered.

Of course, once inside, we saw that the packed bar was literally right next to the doors and our little escapade had about 20-30 witnesses.  Oh yeah, Awkward Girl is back in full effect.  Sadly, I have no photo of this particular moment, so this random one I find funny will have to do.  I like to imagine that this is a photo of the moment my sweet Sunshine realized her mother is also Awkward Girl.  Happy Sunday!
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Old Lines

These are some of my favorite one liners from years past that I’ve never written poems around.  Maybe now that I’ve got a bit more time to write, I’ll be able to pull a few poems together.  : )

 

Stop craning your electronic necks, there’s nothing to see here.

Look at life through the eyes of another
and you may see things as you haven’t seen them before
but you still can never see just what they see.

Some of the things experience teaches us aren’t true.

I wanted to wash my heart, hot/cold, heavy duty cycle.
I wanted to open my mind and let all the facts fall out.
I wanted to write, but I couldn’t even breathe.

I’d love to do this another way
but my eyes cling to their color-
I simply am what I am.

Happiness can only be made with what you have.

The box is too small.
If I don’t start thinking outside of it soon . . .

I put away my knitting early tonight.
No matter how many tidy rows I stitched
my thoughts wouldn’t follow suit.

If the answer were in this coffee cup, I would have found it twice by now.

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